Weather Report

Last night the sun set at approximately 5:15. After explaining to a coworker my need for the sun, I scrambled to get out of work before the last sliver of light disappeared behind pink puffy clouds. As much as it is my mantra to live in the present, to not want what I do not have, I must admit my longing (especially in the dead of these northwest winters) for the sun. For warmth, light, clarity.

Once upon a time I spent many summers in Santa Rosa, California. I thought I had found heaven. It wasn't so much the liberal, progressive, laid back folks I came into contact with; we have plenty of them in Washington. It was the actual sun. It was waking up EVERY morning to either the sun or clouds you knew would burn off by noon. It was the smell of redwoods that only grow mind you in the perfectly ideal conditions that exist in northern california- the exact mix of ocean mist and sunlight. yum!

I recently met a man from Arizona who moved to Washinton to escape the sun. He complains profusely on any day the clouds don't come out. Maybe it's that whole grass is greener thing, but maybe some of us are just made for the sun while others are made for the rain. Perhaps ethnicity has something to do with it. My skin LOVES the sun- I feel better when I'm warm and browned from its rays. The Arizona guy, on the other hand, is pretty pasty white- not exactly the kind of skin that enjoys sun.

I suppose you could spend your entire life looking for the perfect climate. Mine would probably be somewhere in the tropics (although I've never been). Somewhere you could walk barefoot most of the year and fruit would be in season all year around. I watched one of those house hunter shows the other day and was inpired by (jealous of) a woman who had had enough of big city living in New York and decided to run her business from the Dominican Republic. So, she bought a condo (for $60,000!!!!!!!!) and settled into her new laid back lifestyle, hanging out at the beach which was only a few blocks from her front door, content to live, she said, the rest of her days in her new home.

So, I guess what I'm getting at here is this restlessness again, to live my life true to my being. Just the other day my sister and I made a pact to some day escape the gloomy northwest. Someday... Funny that this grasping was brought on by a simple sunny day- which are too far between for me here. When the sun shines, I wonder how I ever functioned in the dank cold days of winter. How did I ever live without the promise of spring, the light, the clarity of the sun's illumination? And why, on another beautiful bright day am I inside lamenting about the weather?

Goin to the chapel

Well, not the chapel exactly but "gonna get ma-a-a-ried!" Yes, it's true, it's official, I'm getting hitched. As Brad's and my family so eloquently put it- "Finally!" It's been 8 yrs since we met. Here's the story:

I was in my first year at Evergreen and Brad had moved to Olympia a few years before from Winona, MN to pursue music. I was doing a little music myself, writing folky tunes and singing wherever I could. A new friend told me I should hook up with a guy who was putting together a project for Bob Marley's birthday show at the 4th ave Tavern. I gave the guy, Remis a call and to my amazement (before hearing me sing) he invited me to practice with the band. So, I showed up at a strange basement studio. It was me and about five other guys, including a good looking saxophone player. I did my best to get his attention, but he was FOCUSED on the music. He seemed to really know what was going on- unlike I who fumbled around with the microphone and attempted to sing made-up words to unfamiliar tunes. Before practice ended, I got up the courage to ask the sax player if we could get together and practice again. He said yes and ultimately I survived my first real gig, pit in stomach, crush on sax player, blissed from the incredible crowd that gathered in Bob Marley's name.

Fast forward to a year or so later and Brad and I were in a band of our own, the Sideshow playing funk cover tunes, eventually cohabitating and teaching one another how to be more relaxed (me to him) and more on top of things (him to me). It's been an amazing journey. Filled with as much challenge as success, more growth than anything else. I can truly say I've never given so much of myself and gotten so much in return. So, is it really such a surprise that we've decided to marry? Well, sort of. I come from a family that believes marriage is the exception, not the rule. Really, 5 women (mom and her sisters) who were all divorced, never married, or remarried by the time their children were teens. This is not a criticism, it's just reality- my reality. I just sort of never saw myself married because I thought having a committed relationship was just the same. True? We'll see, but already I'm noticing changes. When you announce to your community you want to spend the rest of your life with your partner (this is what a marriage proposal means) it changes your relationship somehow. Now, this person you have been living with becomes the future father of your unborn children, the son-in law of your parents, the man you'll grow old and fall asleep with forever. Although these things might have happened without getting married, somehow it all seems more possible, now that you are engaged. And the best part? Brad is no longer my boyfriend- a term that lost its attraction for me back in high school. He's my fiance, soon to become (August of 08-what, what?) my hub.

Background blog

In case some new readers are unfamiliar with my previous writings and want to understand what got me here, my old blog is still online (but I won't be adding to it). To check out the archives visit:
http://choleesworld.blogspot.com

Eight steps...

to happiness! You've heard of the 12 step program. Well, I'm on the 8 step program. I've been reading a book called Eight Mindful Steps to Happiness: Walking the Buddha's Path written in an easy way for westerners to understand by a Sri Lankan Buddhist monk. Reminds me of the first Buddhist book I encountered and passed on years ago, A Path With Heart by Jack Kornfield. Both are basically a moral code, and many guidelines we already know are good moral choices/behaviors, but who doesn't need a reminder now and then?


The 8 Steps:
Skillful Understanding
Skillful Thinking
Skillful Speech
Skillful Action
Skillful Livelihood
Skillful Effort
Skillful Mindfulness
Skillful Concentration

I've read up to action. Allow me to summarize:

First, on happiness- Don't we all deserve to be happy? Doesn't this word mean different things to different people? I used to think happiness meant no bad energy and constant smiles. Then, I realized that if those actions are untrue to my heart, that is not true happiness. My definition is expanding (and shrinking) all the time, but I think happiness is a balance of accepting things as they are and improving myself. May sound contradictory, but I think when we accept people the way they are we redirect our energy inward and allow ourselves to evolve. Happiness is also integrity in decisions- it is feeling confident that you are making the best choices in the midst of not so ideal circumstances. Happiness is no regret because things unfold as they should, often without your consent. But it's not passive. It's softly active. Like a weed growing through cracks in the concrete- it is opportunistic and resilient. I also think of happiness as those moments of incredible, unexplainable clarity. That moment when I'm walking in the woods and I just feel everything will be alright. Even with global warming and the wars in Iraq, Sudan, and elsewhere, with child abuse and racism, somehow in an unexpected moment of grace, everything is alright. I want more of those moments. Which is why I've decided to walk this Eightfold Path.

Some highlights of the four steps I've taken:

Step One
Skillful Understanding
Cause and Effect- When we understand that our actions have results, we act to reduce our suffering and the suffering of others.

Step Two
Skillful Thinking
Mindfulness Training- We can train the mind to release us from unhealthy thought patterns and create healthy, helpful new ones.

Step Three
Skillful Speech
Thinking Before We Speak- Words have the power to heal or harm. (See my previous blog about talking too much)

Step Four
Skillful Action
Ethical Choices- The Five Precepts
1 not killing (this includes all beings, even insects)
2 not stealing (not even a paper clip)
3 not speaking falsely (yep, even a little white lie is prohibited)
4 not engaging in sexual misconduct (basically cheating on partner, raping, etc...)
5 not misusing intoxicants (of ANY kind)

Ok, so I thought this won't be that hard, especially numbers 1-4. Wrong! We have lots of spiders in our house and an occasional mouse problem in the garage, but I must refrain from killing them even if they are so-called "lower animals." You know, all God's creatures..... Not speaking falsely is surprisingly hard when I pay attention to how much I automatically create false excuses for my behavior. I'm working on #5 and realizing how much social drinking is a part of my life. Each of these precepts is based on the repercussions of such actions which for me is embodied in a pretty guilty conscience, which creates its own negative energy. When I'm aware of the pain these actions cause not just others but myself, it solidifies my belief in this path. The word karma comes to mind. But not just the next life results. Actually, the bad energy created in this life is proof enough that good decisions=happiness. If only I can remember this in the midst of those opportunities for growth.

I am reminded of an old boyfriend who told me I had no morals. I was outraged! To say that I had no morals was obviously him noticing we had different morals and he would have liked it if we shared the same ones. Still, when I thought about where my morals came from I was at a loss. Certainly family teaches morals and so does society, but if those morals aren't reiterated over and over (like in church) do they stick? Most likely the ex-boyfriend was noticing my ability to morally waiver, to create a hierarchy of morals which were sometimes followed or not, based on the situation.
He grew up Catholic and I don't recall his moral conviction particularly strong, but perhaps I wasn't the best judge.

Of course there are certain morals that are universal- the one about not killing comes to mind, especially as it relates to other humans. But what makes us choose wrongly, or conversely do the right thing?

"You talk so much, my dog needs earplugs."

That line is from a song called Talkatiff that is all about someone who just can't stop talking. Every time I hear it I think of that Run DMC song "You Talk Too Much (man, you never SHUT UP!) I realize, of course, they're talking about me. Yes, I talk too much. Many of us do. The last few days, I've been trying to limit my speech- to listen and reflect (silently) more. It's HARD. I grew up around a big family of women. Women who felt free to speak their minds, vent, tell jokes, sing, and just chat. So, I never saw the importance of limiting my speech until I realized I just wasn't hearing others. I realized that other people like to talk too. I had to ask myself, do I talk just to hear my own voice? Sometimes. I also notice that in a learning environment I need to speak to process what I am learning. I think this is cultural- I've noticed the same inclination in my students of color. I wouldn't want to encourage these students to inhibit their learning styles. We've all been silenced at one time or another and I think in general it is a good idea to use our voices and to be assertive. But everyone knows that one person who just won't SHUT UP! I think it is like a nervous tick. Some of us laugh or fall silent when we are nervous. Some talk.

Today one of my coworkers couldn't stop talking about an issue she had with her boss and another coworker couldn't keep from telling her what she should do and then their boss couldn't stop telling everyone else about the drama that ensued and I just wanted to scream STOP! HOLD UP! Perhaps the issue here isn't talking per se but who you talk to..... regardless, it got me thinking about what trouble we can get ourselves into by talking too much.

I've always had this secret envy of the quiet people in class. You know the really smart kids who hardly say a word. I always thought that this must be the key to their intellingence- the less you talk the more you can listen and the more you learn. Perhaps it's not in my true nature (or nurture) to be quiet. Still, I think so much can be gained by being silent and listening. Even if you're listening to someone who talks too much!

New Year, New Me

Resolutions- I resolve to make changes each year. I have so much fun talking about what I'm going to change I sometimes forget to make any changes at all. Well, this year's different. Why? Because I say it is.

Many (twelve?) years ago I was introduced to Buddhism in a course called "Ways of Knowing." We read Siddartha by Herman Hesse and it had such a powerful impact on me I decided to start meditating and learning more about the path the Buddha chose. I made time in my life to cultivate awareness, be mindful of my behavior, and just sit still. I struggled. I had a difficult time sitting still, let alone getting my mind to sit still. I went on a silent retreat and noticed some profound changes in my behavior when I allowed myself to stop talking so much and listen- to the world around me, to my friends and family, to nature. I felt good- better than I ever had having chosen a path of mindfullness.

Fast forward to last year when I asked my good friend "What happened to that energy we used to have, all that intention and the philosophy of mindfulness? Where did it go?" I was grasping for the good feelings that come from doing what you know is right and not doing what you know is wrong. Sounds easy. But where did it go? I think it got swept up in economic anxiety, in love and worldly worries and just fell away. Always present just beneath the surface, but not enough to make a deep impact.

And now? I am restless again for change. But instead of waiting for my external circumstances to change, I've decided to change my internal world: my mind. I just had to ask myself, "Are you happy?" The answer was no. So, here I am engaging in spiritual life once again, knowing that I can never get that blissful innocence back. What I now realize is that I don't truly want to go back, I want to move forward. Into new possibilities for growth and awareness. So, here goes everything- wish me success...............