Resolutions- I resolve to make changes each year. I have so much fun talking about what I'm going to change I sometimes forget to make any changes at all. Well, this year's different. Why? Because I say it is.
Many (twelve?) years ago I was introduced to Buddhism in a course called "Ways of Knowing." We read Siddartha by Herman Hesse and it had such a powerful impact on me I decided to start meditating and learning more about the path the Buddha chose. I made time in my life to cultivate awareness, be mindful of my behavior, and just sit still. I struggled. I had a difficult time sitting still, let alone getting my mind to sit still. I went on a silent retreat and noticed some profound changes in my behavior when I allowed myself to stop talking so much and listen- to the world around me, to my friends and family, to nature. I felt good- better than I ever had having chosen a path of mindfullness.
Fast forward to last year when I asked my good friend "What happened to that energy we used to have, all that intention and the philosophy of mindfulness? Where did it go?" I was grasping for the good feelings that come from doing what you know is right and not doing what you know is wrong. Sounds easy. But where did it go? I think it got swept up in economic anxiety, in love and worldly worries and just fell away. Always present just beneath the surface, but not enough to make a deep impact.
And now? I am restless again for change. But instead of waiting for my external circumstances to change, I've decided to change my internal world: my mind. I just had to ask myself, "Are you happy?" The answer was no. So, here I am engaging in spiritual life once again, knowing that I can never get that blissful innocence back. What I now realize is that I don't truly want to go back, I want to move forward. Into new possibilities for growth and awareness. So, here goes everything- wish me success...............
Many (twelve?) years ago I was introduced to Buddhism in a course called "Ways of Knowing." We read Siddartha by Herman Hesse and it had such a powerful impact on me I decided to start meditating and learning more about the path the Buddha chose. I made time in my life to cultivate awareness, be mindful of my behavior, and just sit still. I struggled. I had a difficult time sitting still, let alone getting my mind to sit still. I went on a silent retreat and noticed some profound changes in my behavior when I allowed myself to stop talking so much and listen- to the world around me, to my friends and family, to nature. I felt good- better than I ever had having chosen a path of mindfullness.
Fast forward to last year when I asked my good friend "What happened to that energy we used to have, all that intention and the philosophy of mindfulness? Where did it go?" I was grasping for the good feelings that come from doing what you know is right and not doing what you know is wrong. Sounds easy. But where did it go? I think it got swept up in economic anxiety, in love and worldly worries and just fell away. Always present just beneath the surface, but not enough to make a deep impact.
And now? I am restless again for change. But instead of waiting for my external circumstances to change, I've decided to change my internal world: my mind. I just had to ask myself, "Are you happy?" The answer was no. So, here I am engaging in spiritual life once again, knowing that I can never get that blissful innocence back. What I now realize is that I don't truly want to go back, I want to move forward. Into new possibilities for growth and awareness. So, here goes everything- wish me success...............
No comments:
Post a Comment